No More Kitten
by shvanka
Summary: Crossover with Higher Ground. A traumatic event leads JJ down a downward spiral. After some tragic news, JJ is forced to visit Mt. Horizon with the team in tow. Will this unwanted collision off both completely different worlds end her or make her.
1. Chapter 1

"Baby you are about to have the time of your life." said the UnSub to JJ as he slowly moved his creepy long fingers up her thighs. Making his way to her jean button, he slowly started to undo it as JJ squirmed, trying desperately to getaway. But it was to no use, her hands were tied above her head to the beam, locking her in place. As he undid the zipper he used his other hand to start unbuttoning her began to give up, there was no stopping this, just like in the past. She began to mentally prepare as much as someone could face this unspeakable horror, and come out of it alive, whatever that meant. How could someone survive this, and be the same person? She was walking proof of it, her teenage years were a horror because of it, she would never know what type of person she would have become if her mom was brave enough to protect her. As the last button to her shirt was undone the door to the barn busted open, lights and screams were coming from every direction, or so it sounded.

"FBI!" JJ heard the distinct voice of Derek Morgan. "Step away from her, or I'll blow your head off!"It all happened so fast for JJ to comprehend. She saw the UnSub launch himself at her with his knife then the distinct sound of a single round going off, and just like that he drops dead to the floor. JJ just stared in disbelief, she was safe, he couldn't hurt her anymore. "JJ it's okay you are safe now." she distinctly heard Prentiss say "I'm going to undo the restraints JJ, just hang tight a little longer."

"Am okay" was all she could say, she wasn't sure who exactly she was trying to convince, herself or the others. The second she was freed she felt the warmth and comfort of a jacket being placed around her. She turned around she saw Rossi, giving her a sweet and simple smile, "it's cold out here Bella." JJ just nodded as she buttons back up her shirt. She didn't want to face the looks of sympathy, sadness, and she knew deep down disgust, but that last one was the one she feared to encounter the most.

**LATER AT THE HOSPITAL**

The team waited impatiently in the ER, waiting to hear how JJ was doing, and most importantly if he had raped her. It was something that they all feared had to happen based on what they saw, but they were too afraid to voice it out loud much less ask her. They all stood up when they saw a doctor walking towards them.

"How is she?" asked Hotch as soon as the doctor finished her introduction

"Agent Jareau is being discharged as we speak. Her injuries are minimal and non-critical. She has a couple of bruised ribs, the gash in her forehead only required 10 stitches. And most importantly she was rescued before she was more seriously hurt" Doctor Wilson informed the now less worried team, just as JJ made her way towards them. She was quickly embraced by everyone some more passionately than others.

"Guys am fine you heard the doc." as Prentiss embraced her again, "this one is from Garcia" she slightly chuckled.

"Can we head out? Am tired and need to shower." The old too familiar need to shower with burning water to cleanse herself was slowly beginning to come back. But no matter how hot or for how long she showered she could never completely feel clean.

"Yeah sure. but I think it's better if we head to the police station so you can get your official statement out of the way." Hotch motion between the two only.

"I already gave it to officer Kelly." JJ quickly said. She did it as she was being examined out by the doctors, the sooner the better especially away from her team.

"Then, in that case, let's go blondie." As Morgan guided her from the small of her back.


	2. Chapter 2

The car ride to the hotel was silent. JJ was thankful that she had her own room. She knew deep down that the nightmares would be coming back, and she didn't want to have them in front of Prentiss. As soon as the car came to a stop in the hotel's parking lot, JJ jumped out and tried to quickly make her way to her room.

"JJ wait up." Hotch called after her " I would like to have a debriefing with the whole team."

"Hotch can't this wait" as she turned around to face him. She knew that this debriefing wouldn't be a debriefing. It would be more of a sympathetic talk between the team to her. She knew that they would like details about what actually happened, to make them feel less guilty, even though there was nothing to feel guilty about.

"Am tired and would like to shower."

"Bella we understand. But this would be good for the team. Plus am sure everyone including you, are hungry." Rossi said closing the gap between them. It was no use pretending that this was a debriefing everyone knew that.

JJ sighted it was no use fighting this. It was bound to happen at some point. Might as well get over it. "Can I at least shower?" Turning to face Hotch

"How about we meet in 15 in the lobby, I'll order the takeout," Hotch said. Everyone nodded their head in agreement and proceed to make there way to their rooms.

**In her hotel room**

Once in her hotel room, JJ made a beeline to the bathroom. She stepped into the shower and proceed to try to scrub herself clean. But she knew deep down that no matter how hard she scrubbed and how hot the water was, she could never feel clean. She could feel herself shaking uncontrollably, without any notice her legs collapsed, She curled herself up in a tight fetal position and proceed to let herself cry. She was brought out of her trance with loud knocking and screaming in her hotel door.

"JJ? It's me, Prentiss. Are you okay there? We are all waiting." She was getting worried. They were all supposed to meet downstairs 15 minutes ago, and she had spent the last 5 knocking on the door. Should she go get the others? Or should she wait a little longer?

"Shit," JJ said as she quickly got out of the shower and made her way to the room. "I'll be out in a second." She quickly changed into some comfy leggings and threw on an oversized hoodie.

"Sorry, sorry. I fell asleep." as she quickly exited the room.

"It's fine, I was just getting worried," Prentiss said as she quickly took in JJ's appearance to see if it would give her more info into her state of mind. Her hair was still dripping wet, and her rolled-up sleeves revealed angry red skin. JJ quickly rolled down her sleeves, hoping that Prentiss didn't notice anything.

"You know that am here if you need to talk" pretending not to notice anything.

"Yeah, I know. But seriously I'm fine I just fell asleep." as she made her way to the elevator. "And apparently am also hungry." after her stomach left out a loud growl. They quickly made their way down to the lobby to meet the others. She sat down on the first couch that she saw. Ignoring the looks that she got from Reid and Morgan. She quickly grabbed her food and started to eat. She wasn't going to be the one to break the silence and start this dreadful conversation.


	3. Chapter 3

Hotch cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. He gave everyone a quick breakdown of the case. He could tell that JJ wasn't putting much attention, she was just staring at her food, occasionally looking up. He saw her flinch slightly when he first mentions the UnSub's name. After the debriefing there were a couple of minutes of awkward silence, no one knew how to start the next conversation. Morgan was clenching and unclenching his fist, the veins in his head had become more prominent, " Did he lay his hands on you?" he asked breaking the silence and looking straight at JJ. The doctors had said that she wasn't seriously hurt, but what the hell did that mean. Everyone turned to look at JJ waiting for her response.

"No" was all she said, she was playing with her food not looking up at anyone. She opened her mouth to say more but quickly closed it. "Don't worry guys, nothing happened." she finally said not bothering to give more details.

"JJ but…" Reid struggled to find the correct words " your shirt was unbuttoned and your jeans were undone." giving her a sad sympathetic look. There was that look that she hated so much, it made her feel worse about herself. She felt her blood boiling with anger, her old self fighting to resurface and protect her. She slammed her food on the table and looked Reid straight in the face with the most serious and angry voice that they had ever heard her use " I was there remember. So stop calling me a liar, nothing happened okay.'' she quickly got up and left, not giving anyone any time to react to her outburst and stop her from leaving.

" I should go check on her," Prentiss said getting up to follow her, if she hurried, she might catch her in the elevator. A hand gently stopped her in her tracks "Just give her some time to calm down, it's been a difficult day." Hotch said

"But… but what if she needs me. I have to be there for her." Prentiss said looking towards the direction that JJ stormed off to.

"Hotch is right Em. In times like this, she needs some alone" Morgan said talking from experience. Prentiss sat back down, Morgan was right she needed time to process everything. She knew that JJ would talk to her when she was ready. Or would she? JJ was a reserved person about her personal life and much more of any problems that she was having. She felt that she always needed to be the tough JJ, JJ that never let anything get to her. But she needed to be told that that wasn't always possible or necessary, that it was okay to break down. But she felt a bit hypocritical thinking that, because she was like JJ in that sense, she must always be tough. They all stayed in the lobby talking and finishing their dinner before turning in for the night. They would be leaving tomorrow morning, and they all needed to catch up on some sleep.

**Meanwhile in JJ's hotel room**

JJ was so angry with Reid for questioning her. But mostly she was mad at herself for letting the anger get the best of her. If she wasn't careful with how she dealt with everything, her world would go to shit and Shelby would take over her. But maybe that would be a good thing, Shelby always protected her in the past. Shelby was tough, or as Peter put it she was reinforced concrete. She needed a way to let all this anger and hurt out at once, but how could she do it? Maybe punching the wall? But she couldn't do that the BAU wouldn't be happy to be billed to fix it up. Scream? But scream what? And if she did she would probably be getting the receptionist calling her to ask what was wrong. Fuck how could she make herself feel better, without drawing attention to herself?

An idea began to form in her mind. There was away. But was she strong and tough enough to actually do it? She never understood why people did it, this urge was slowly making her understand why. She always made fun of Julliete for it, but when her sister did it she was angry. Angry at her for doing such a stupid thing, for not finding other ways to release the pain. But here she was in this hotel room all by herself contemplating. Fuck it why not? If it didn't work for her then it didn't, and she would never do it again.

She knew that there was a pharmacy walking distance from the hotel. She grabbed her wallet and hotel card and made her way to the elevator. As she was getting out of the elevator she bumped into her teammates.

"JJ where are you going?" Hotch asked. She pretended that she didn't hear him, or saw any of them. She pushed her through them and continued to make her way to the front doors.

"JJ am talking to you." Still no response " fine then, Prentiss go with her, don't let her out of your sight"

JJ stopped dead on her tracks " I don't need a babysitter. Am just going to get some fresh air" without looking at anyone. " I'll be right back." As she started to walk again

Prentiss turned to look at Hotch to see what she should do. " Wait for 5 minutes. If she doesn't come back call me."


	4. Chapter 4

_****** Trigger Warning. Mentions of self-harm *****_

JJ made her way to the pharmacy, slowly walking up and down the aisles. She needed some time to gather up the courage to get what she came for. She finally made her way to the shaving section, she quickly grabbed a 5-pack of disposable blades, and then made her way to the first aid aisle. After getting all that she thought that she would need she proceeded to make her way to the self-checkout, but not before getting herself her favorite snacks, Cheetos and dark chocolate. As she was making her way back to the hotel her phone started buzzing, she looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Prentiss, she contemplated not answering her, but she didn't want to make this situation worse. " Am heading back." was all she said before hanging up. Once back in the hotel she saw Prentiss sitting in an armchair, she quickly got up upon seeing her.

"You had me worried."

"Worried about what." JJ snapped " I went for some fresh air and some snacks."

"JJ I know that you are upset, and if you want to talk to me about what happened tonight am here, but there is no need to snap at us and be rude, it's just not you," Prentiss said as she gently placed her hand on JJ's shoulder to show her comfort.

JJ sighed and took a deep breath, " There is nothing to talk about. Am tired I want to get some rest."

" Yeah sure. How about you spend the night in my room, if you change your mind about talking, or if…" Prentiss was quickly cut off by JJ

"I want to be alone tonight." She knew that tonight there would be nightmares and she didn't want Prentiss to see them happening.

"Okay, be ready but 7 tomorrow.''

Once in her hotel room, JJ pulled out a blade out of the package and just stared at it, while she thought about where to cut, her wrist? Too obvious and harder to hide. Her thighs? She also thought that they were one of the best parts of her body. Stomach? Also a body part that she liked. She could alter her wardrobe to include more long sleeves and use more jackets. She pressed the blade against her skin and began to cut vertical lines, one after another, deep but not the deep to require stitches, the blood quickly dripped down her wrist and into the bed, staining it. This uneasy feeling and the anger were soon replaced with euphoria. She finally understood why her sister and Juliet did it, and she couldn't blame them for it. She proceeded to bandage herself up and settle down on the other side of the bed, falling quickly asleep. She was awakened from her sleep completely drenched in sweat, she knew she had a nightmare but couldn't remember it, which was for the best. She checked her phone to see the time and saw that it was 6 o'clock in the morning, time to get up. As the hot water touched her open wounds she winced at the pain, how could it be that it was more painful than cutting, but she quickly got used to the pain. By the time she finished getting ready it was time to meet the team in the looby, to head out back home.

"Good morning guys" she greeted the team, with her usual smile. She was trying to put yesterday's outburst behind her. Know she knew how to fix her anger, she just had to control it till she could do something about it, which Shelby was good at doing.

"Hungry?" Morgan asked surprised by her normal self, but it seemed like a genuine, like her normal self " We wanted to get some breakfast before leaving, I heard the cafe down the street is good."

"Yeah I am starving." she started walking but suddenly stopped and turned around to face the team " Listen, guys, I wanted to apologize for the way that I acted yesterday."

"Bella there is nothing to apologize for, you had a tough day, and we pushed you to talk about it when you were clearly not ready for it,'' Rossi said


End file.
